I was married but I was lonely – does not sound possible does it? When you marry you are supposed to be marrying your best friend and lover. Someone who makes you laugh, who makes your knees weak, and who makes you feel alive.
Being married and lonely happens a lot more than I thought it did. How do I know? Because when I was going through my divorce and talking a few intimate details of my marriage, I discovered that many women feel estranged and lonely too. It is no secret that when you grow apart in a marriage the loneliness creeps in.
I was married but I was lonely
It is embarrassing to admit that I was married but I was lonely for many years. There were a few times we were partners in our marriage but more often than not we were strangers. We never spoke about our differences and never could communicate the simplest needs or desires. We never had a conversation (it seemed) without some sort of miscommunication and argument of frustration. It was awful trying hold a conversation with a man who could not understand what I was trying to say.We grew so far apart that after 19 years there was nothing left holding us together.
If you are lonely in your marriage, then do not stay
If you are lonely and you cannot hold intimate conversations with your spouse, then you have 2 choices:
- leave and discover what makes you happy or
- stay and seek out counselling and find a way to reconnect
Sometimes you can overcome the loneliness by reconnecting with your spouse but sometimes a marriage has nothing left to keep you together. In my case, our son was the glue that held me (us) to the marriage and after he graduated, there was nothing left for us to salvage. With all of our differences about religion, sex, and the drama that lingered from his past, we had absolutely nothing in common nor did we have anything to talk about as a couple.
It is not easy to admit being lonely when you are married
Actually writing this made me a bit uncomfortable because I had to admit that I was lonely and I was married. Loneliness and unhappiness coincide and can eat away at your self esteem and self worth. Being married is not supposed to make you feel lonely or unhappy and you should be able to talk about it to your spouse. If you cannot or he will not listen and take you seriously, then you need to seek out friends, family, and maybe a professional to figure out what you should do to make you happy (because no one else can do this for you).
Has anyone else experienced loneliness in their marriage? How did you overcome and conquer it? Or did you leave the relationship? My marriage was over at the 20 year mark because our son was an adult now and there was no reason to stay together. We also had a marriage that was jam packed full of loss, family estrangement, and sadness.
It is a new beginning for me and I hope that by sharing what I went through will help others break out of the unhappiness and self doubt and move forward to live a life happy and fulfilled. It is not easy to move on but it sure beats the alternative of loneliness. Divorce is hard but living a lonely life is harder.
2017 copyrighted material C Renee