Starting a new chapter in my life and it scares the hell out me
It has been a year long search for a new home and new place to call my own. I have hunted online and on the road for a home I could afford. A home I could sit on the front porch and watch the bees buzz from flower to flower and the birds chirping their conversations among the bushes and trees. A house that I could make my forever home where I can grow my flowers and pluck a tomato of the vine and enjoy the taste of summer’s end.
Starting over at 51 has not gone as planned
I have stumbled, caught myself, and tripped on the inability to catch my dreams. Dreams I have had for decades and dreams that really did not include anyone but me. Am I selfish? Am I being a bitch because I want to live alone with my dogs, cats, and gardens?
For many, being divorced is a scary thing and they panic and hold grudges for the years spent with the wrong person. Me, I was angry because of the circumstances that led to the death of my marriage but I am not angry because my marriage failed. After 19 1/2 years I realized I had ignored my own needs to take care of everyone else and fixing what I thought was broken. The broken bits and pieces of others unhappiness, anger, and guilt were not mine to glue back together. A lesson that I failed until I accepted and stopped feeling guilty because I wanted the divorce.
I am divorced and I am happier each day
My marriage lacked passion, communication, and direction and this stifled my creativity and made me unhappy. I am a spiritual person and I should have been with someone who understood my connection with nature. My overall passion for gardening and creating. I am a free spirit. I am a dreamer. I am a lover of the beauty of life and all her splendor from the colorful pink, purples of sunsets to the sights of the yellow, black, and blue of a Swallowtail butterfly on a bloom.
The house I am buying has stood empty, gutted, and open to the elements for almost 15 years. You may see an empty house with a caved in roof but I see a beautiful Cape Cod sitting on 2.6 acres with a front porch and flower beds circling the home. I do not see what is. I see what will be. What will be- a shade garden filled with hostas and ferns and in the distance a fountain trickling where the birds are bathing and chirping as they enjoy the cool water on a hot summer day.
I have always been a dreamer
I will make this shell of a house a home where my sons will always be welcome and where I will share a cup of coffee or margarita with a good friend. I can see the beauty underneath all the intertwining vines that have encapsulated the grounds choking the life out of the trees. I am ready to start the back breaking task of clearing my slice of heaven to make this house a home with gardens of color and taste. I am ready to begin my journey as an independent woman who can take on and accomplish whatever life pitches to me next…
I need to follow my dreams and live my life.
UPDATE 6/13/2017 did not buy the house above
I may not have the answers but I am here. The struggle is real and helping each other up and out of the barrel of fear is what life should be about. Feel free to ask for help or even share your story because we are all gonna be friends here!
PS if you want to follow the transformation be sure to check out my garden blog and soon I will have a blog devoted to the house DIY Dreams of Home
2017 copyrighted material C Renee
Leave a Reply